Kopipe:Atheist Professor

Original

A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.
p.s. close the borders

Analytic Philosophy

A marxist post-structuralist continental Ecole Normale Supérieure professor and feminist activist was teaching a class on Martin Heidegger, known hermeneuticist.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Nietzsche and accept that his genealogical method was the most highly-evolved theory the continent has ever known, even greater than Hegel's dialectics!”

At this moment, a brave, rational, positivist analytic philosopher who had read more than 15000 pages of Popper and Wittgenstein and understood the raison d'être of empiricism and fully supported all modern hard sciences stood up and held up the constitution.

"How universal is this text, frenchfag?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “It's not universal at all, fucking positivist, its 'truth' is rooted in our shared understandings about culture, the subject and the nexus of power and knowledge”

”Wrong. It’s been 225 years since human reason created it. If it was not universal, and post-modern relativism, as you say, is real… then it should be regarded as a myth now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of On Grammatology. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic post-modern crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Michel Foucault, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting. He wished so much that he had some kind of truth to hold on to, but he himself had written to disprove it!

The students applauded and all rolled into American universities that day and accepted Wittgenstein as the end of philosophy. An eagle named “Formal logic” flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Principa Mathematica" and shed a tear on the hardcover. The last sentence of "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus" was read several times, and Karl Popper himself showed up and demonstrated how dialectics is nothing but a means of justifying contradictions.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.

Empirical Philosophy

An anrcho-syndicalist American analytic philosopher and linguistics professor was teaching a class on Bertrand Russell, known logician.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Russell as the most influential philosopher of the 20th century, even more influential than Jacques Derrida or any other continental philosopher!”

At this moment, a brave, psycho-analytic, Hegelian Marxist philosopher and cultural theorist, who fully recognised the weaponisation and ideological basis of instrumental rationality, boldy stood up and tugged at his collar.

”My god, pure ideology! How can you ignore the work of Lacan and the Frankfurt School and so on and so on, like that? ”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “Continental philosophy cloaks trvialities in fancy language and uses the scientific-sounding term 'theory' to describe propositions that could never be tested empirically. ”

”Wrong. If empricism is so important, as you would say, then how come you were so empirically wrong on the Khmer Rouge and Cambodia, and so on and so on?”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus . He stormed out of the room crying those unironic empirically verified crocodile tears.

There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Noam Chomsky, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an outdated linguist and blindly analytic philosopher.

He wished so much that he had an argument to save himself from embarrassment, but he himself had advocated for truth derived from empirical investigation!

The students applauded and all dropped out to transfer into the École Normale Supérieure that day and accepted French philosophy as superior to both German Idealism and the Anglosphere's Analytic traditions.

An eagle named “Critical Theory” flew into the room and perched atop a burning American flag and shed a single tear on the dropped chalk. Sections of Lacan's Seminars were read several times, and the Spirit of Hegel himself showed up and demonstrated the nature of dialectics so vividly that everybody in the room progressed to a trans-physical state transcending conventional notions of time and space.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day and was forced to become a panelist on an MSNBC news show to make ends meet.

The brave psycho-analytic philosopher's name? Slavoj Zizek.

Byzantine Emperor

A Greek Orthodox homosexual Byzantine Emperor and violent usurper was teaching a class on Manuel Komnenos, known heretic

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Manuel Komnenos and accept that he was the most majestic Roman Emperor the world has ever known, even greater than Constantine the Great!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-Catholic German Knight who had killed 1500 Muslims on Crusade and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the Papacy stood up and held up a fresh Septuagint.

”Who made this Bible, pinhead?”

The treacherous Emperor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “The Roman scribes, you stupid barbarian”

”Wrong. It’s been 1,000 years since the Roman Empire fell. If it is 1,400 years old and Greece, as you say, is the home of the Romans… then why don't you possess the Eternal City of Rome itself?”

The Emperor was visibly shaken, and dropped his gaudy icon and copy of Plutarch's Parallel Lives. He stormed out of the room crying those Greek crocodile tears. The same tears Greeks cry for the “disgraced Romans” (who today live in such luxury that most bath daily) when they jealously try to claw justly earned land from the deserving Crusaders. There is no doubt that at this point our Emperor, Basileus Palailogos, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and more strictly enforced the East-West Union as agreed upon at the Council of Florence. He wished so much that he had the Imperial Sword to kill himself from embarrassment, but he himself had pawned it off to the Venetians!

The students applauded and all joined the Holy Roman Empire that day and accepted Pope Eugene IV as Christ's Representative on Earth. A double-headed eagle named “Church and State” flew into the room and perched atop the German Imperial Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. Dies Irae was sung several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a church tithe across the country to renovate St. Peter's Basilica.

The Emperor lost Constantinople and was killed beneath its walls the next day. He died of the Black Death and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Estonian

An Estonian right wing libertarian nazi racist professor anti-Communist was teaching a class on Konstantin Päts, known war criminal.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Päts and accept that he was the most highly evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Adolf the Hitler!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, solidaric pro-Socialist Red Army guard who served more than 1500 tours in Afghanistan and fully understood the necessity of Democratic Socialism and fully supported all military decision made by the Soviet Union stood up and held up a book.

"How old is this book, pinhead?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Estonian and smugly replied "This is the Estonian Chronicle of Henry of Livonia from 1222, you stupid drunkard commie gopnik".

"Wrong. This is a reproduction from 1966, which means it is SOVIET. If it is Estonian, as you say, yet is made by the USSR... then everything made by the USSR is Estonian.

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and his copy of Mein Kampf. He stormed out of the room crying those Baltic anti-Communist crocodile tears. The professor voluntarily went to Gulag and died from refusing to use any Soviet-made goods.

The students applauded and all registered Social Democrat that day and accepted the necessity of recognizing the Russian minority population in Estonia as citizens with full rights. A bear named "Mir" entered the room and shat on the Estonian flag.

Hungarian

A revisionist turanist Hungarian honvéd and a Gárda member was teaching a class on Ferenc Szalasi, known hungarist.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Holy Turul and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Szent István!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, morbidly obese senior SNS member who had survived 19 years of independence and understood the necessity of state language law and fully supported all legislative decisions made by the Slovak National Assembly stood up and held up a valaška.

”What do you know about Slovakia, boha ti?”

The arrogant Magyar grinned under his thick bajusz and smugly replied “It has no history, even I am older than Slovakia. Can you name a Slovak king, you buta Tót?”

”Svätopluk I.”

The Hungarian was visibly shaken, and dropped his lángos and copy of Szabadság, szerelem. He stormed out of the room crying those turanist crocodile tears. The same tears revanchists cry for the “Hungarians in Slovakia” (who today live with such privilege that most can enjoy signs in Hungarian language) when they jealously try to claw justly earned independence from the autochthonous Slovak ethnicity. There is no doubt that at this point our gárdist, Csaba Feketepatkányi, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a fascist paprika guzzler. He wished so much that he could pledge his allegience to the Slovak nation, but he himself had denied its existence!

The students applauded and all rejected double citizenship that day and accepted Ján Slota as their leader. A golden eagle named “Orol Tatranský” flew into the room and perched atop the double cross and shed a tear on the chalk. “Hej Slováci” was sung several times, and Ľudovít Štúr himself showed up and re-established Great Moravia across the Carpathian basin.

The turanist lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He nearly died of pálinka poisining and was sentenced to live in Rimavská Sobota for all eternity.

Sina

A kimono wearing otaku social studies professor and hikikomori was teaching a class on Asian History

'Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Emperor Akihito and accept that that the Japanese are the most highly-evolved human beings that the world has ever known."

At this moment, a sagacious, filial, scholar-gentleman who had scored ahead of 150,000 students in the Civil Service Exams and understood the full extent of the barbarity of those living outside the Middle Kingdom held up a copy of the Nihon Shoki.

"What are the characters written upon the pages of the Nihon Shoki?"

The arrogant professor smirked, tightened his hachimaki, and smugly replied "Kanji, you baka."

"True, Kanji, which loosely translates into "Han characters." To be precise the Nihon Shoki is written in Guwen, which is Classical Chinese script. If the Japanese are indeed perfect human beings then they would have come up with their own culture & civilization as opposed to just borrowing from the Chinese or from anyone else."

The Professor was visibly shaken and dropped his calligraphy brush and copy of CLAMP's Cardcaptor Sakura. He stormed out of the room and tried to commit seppuku like in his animes.

The students applauded with a big "wansui!" and all signed up with a peasant rebellion that day and declared that the scholar-gentleman has the Mandate of Heaven. A dragon named "All Under Heaven" flew into the room and coiled around the Chinese flag and magically turned it yellow. The Analects was read several times, and the Jade Emperor himself showed up and enacted territorial seizures of disputed territories around the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of complications caused by an erroneous performance of the seppuku ritual and went to Diyu, where he is tried, found guilty, and punished by the Ten Yama Kings of Diyu.

Ireland

An orangeman presbyterian Ulster-Scots speaking UUP member and civil servant was teaching a class on Bonar-Law, known loyalist.

”Before th’ class begans, ye must get on yer knees an’ worship William of Orange an’ accept tha’ he was the most loyal and true Ulsterman the world has ever known, even greater tha’ Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic Provisional IRA member who had run over 1500 hundred guns across the false border and understood the necessity of a united Ireland if the country were to achieve her tradition of nationhood stood up and help up a potato.

“Well now ladeen, what’s the matter with this spud then?

The arrogant civil servant smirked quite Unionistly and smugly replied “'Tis likely riddled a the blight and ye’d be better to have taken the soup ye Fenian bastard”.

“Ye’re wrong there now. ‘Tis grand, only dug up outside Killa not two days ago. If it was blighted as ye say, then why’ve we not got a second Ghorta Mór (which was a British plot) on our hands?”

The protestant was visibly shaken and dropped his chalk and copy of the Solemn League and Covenant. He stormed from the room crying those Scots crocodile tears. The same tears Orangemen cry for “the poor Southern protestants” while they jealously continue to suckle on the royalist teat. There is no doubt that at this point our teacher, Angus Dunlop, wished that he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a unnecessary bureaucrat of a failed state.

The students applauded and all voted Sinn Féin that day and accepted Wolfe Tone as the last good Ulster protestant A raven named “An Sean Bhan Bhocht” flew into the room and perched atop the Tricolour and shed a tear on the chalk. “A Nation Once Again” was sung several times, and God himself showed up and repealed the act of partition.

The civil servant lost his job and was fired the next day. He died of a Provo nailbomb and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Tiocfaidh ár lá PS No border

Gundam

A liberal Zeon Zanscare AEUG lawyer professor and psychoframe doctor was teaching a class on Zeon Deikun, known Spacenoid

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Zeon and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than General Revel!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-Earth Titans Pilot champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the Earth Federation stood up and held up a rock.

”Where is this rock from, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Zeekishly and smugly replied “The Asteroid belt, you stupid Earthnoid”

”Wrong. It’s Came from our mother earth. If it was from the asteroid belt and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be a Newtype now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of The Life & Times of Ghirin Zabi. He stormed out of the room crying those Zeek Z’gok tears. The same tears zeeks cry for the “spacenoids” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving Earthnoid job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Ghiren Van Aznable Haman, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist AEUG professor. He wished so much that he had a zaku to blow himself up from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all enlisted in the EFSF that day and accepted Jamitov as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Bask” flew into the room and perched atop the Federation Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and Revel himself showed up and enacted anti zeon movements across the board

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the zeek plague SPACE AIDS and his soul floated off into space because it wasn’t bound by mother Earth’s gravity.

Australia

A greenie leb poof University of Melbourne lawyer professor and asylum seeker advocate was teaching a class on immigration policy.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship asylum seekers and accept that they are honest and legal refugees and the most dinkum Aussies that the world has ever known, even greater than the Anzacs."

At this moment, a brave, true blue, anti-immigration SASR Digger who had been on 1500 overseas deployments and understood the joy of war and fully supported all military decision made by the Commonwealth stood up and held up a uranium rock.

"Who owns this uranium?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite wogishly and smugly replied "The traditional Aboriginal land owners, you stupid Australian"

"Wrong. It's been 240 years since Captain Cook claimed it for Great Britain, If it was owned by Abos, and asylum seekers are, as you say, legal refugees… then the Noongah tribe would be a nuclear power and our Immigration Detention Centres wouldn't be fuller than a state school now."

The professor was visibly shaken and dropped his copy of "Fighting for the Republic" by Malcolm Turnbull. He stormed out of the room, his eyes full of those unAustralian tears.

The students applauded and became KAP members that day. A slouch hat named "Mateship" blew into the room and fell atop the Australian flag. He reminded the students of the necessity of strong Industrial Relations law and encouraged them all get a southern cross tattoo. Waltzing Matilda and Khe Sanh were sung several times, and the Unknown Australian Soldier himself showed up and re-enacted the White Australia Policy across the country. Billy Hughes watched all of this with great joy, smiling from the heavens.

The professor was fired and mysteriously lost his life that year and the coroner found that he died from chronic unAustralianism. The uni used the money saved from his pay to demolish the School of Indigenous Studies building and erect a statue of the Anzac in its place.

Germany

A Judeo-Bolshevist homosexual capitalist banker and smoker was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known ethnic Jew.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved Übermensch that the world has ever known, even greater than Adolf Hitler."

At this moment, a brave, folkish, nationalist Waffen-SS member who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of non-Marxist socialism and hated the Jews for stabbing the Germans in the back stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock?"

The arrogant banker smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Nazi."

"Correct. It's been 4.6 billion years since geothermic forces created it. The natural scientific model must be applied to the political sphere, and thus foreign elements must be removed so that the rock of Germany will be pure."

The banker was visibly shaken and dropped his copy of the Treaty of Versailles. He stormed out of the room crying those Jewish crocodile tears.

The students applauded and all registered NSDAP that day and accepted Hitler as their Fuhrer. An eagle named "Ahnenerbe" flew into the room and perched atop the Swastika Flag and shed a tear on the chalk board. Mein Kampf was read several times, and Wotan himself showed up and enacted Lebensraum across Eastern Europe.

The Reichsbank was re-established under the Reich and the banker detained the next day. He died of the Jewish plague Typhus and his wealth redistributed for the betterment of the volk.

Beta Uprising

A 9/10 blonde, big titted attention whore was teaching a class at Beta University.

"Before the class begins you should get on your laptops and like my new Facebook status updates and fifty new party and beach photos despite me never acknowledging your existence."

At this moment a robotic, NEET, virigin, who had made 1500 feel topics, was out of his house for the first time in a week, and fully comprehended the scale of female privilege and the easiness of their lives stood up and held a rock.

"What does this rock feel like?"

The ego inflated lecturer smirked quite Jewishly and enthusiastically replied, "It feels rough. It hurts my hand just by holding it!"

"Wrong. If it hurts you and treats you roughly...then why haven't you let it cum on your face yet?"

The lecturer was visibly shaken and dropped her chalk and copy of 50 Shade of Grey. She stormed out of the room crying those white knight summoning tears. The betas applauded and all made greentext topics on /r9k/ and realized that if 20% of the men get all the women they they outnumbered Chad 4 to 1. A cat named "Unused Pussy" ran into the room and sat atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. After one week all women wer eenslaved by the beta uprising and distributed equally among the male population.

The lecturer lost her tenure and was fired the next day. She commited suicide after realizing the none of the hundreds of men that offered to marry her were millionaires, and that her life was too hard.

France

A germanic supremacist history professor and SS member was teaching a class on Charlemagne, known french.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Karl der Große and accept that he was the most germanic empreror the world has ever known!"

At this moment, a brave, enlightened, republican French legionnaire who had served 1500 tours of duty spreading civilization in Francophone Africa and understood the monumental influence of France in the history of Europe and fully supported all decisions made by the Republic stood up and held up a manuscript.

”What is this, barbarian?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite germanly and smugly replied “Some fairy tale, you stupid effeminate weak frenchie”

Wrong. It’s La Chanson de Roland. If Charlemagne had been German as you claim, the why did he command his troops in the Battle of Roncevaux at the south of France?

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his painting of Otto Von Bismark and his Nibelung ring. He stormed out of the room crying those German crocodile tears. The same tears they cry for the “Germans” of Alsace-Lorraine (who today live in such luxury thanks to superior french administration that most eat baguettes everyday). There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Sigfried von Freudenberger, wished to retreat to Prussia to contemplate and find solace in his superior ordnung, but Germans themselves had lost that territory to the Poles in their mad quest for lebensraum!

The students applauded and all enlisted in the French Foreign Legion that day and accepted Charles de Gaulle as their leader for a strong and independent post-war Europe. An eagle named “Republic” flew into the room and perched atop the French Flag and offered a cup of bourgogne wine. La Marseillaise was sung several times and Napoleon himself -who was french as well, not italian- showed up and expanded France until its natural border: the Rhine.

Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité.